Joke of the Day!

[lancashire lass]

:laughalot::laughalot: Good jokes all

 

[KeithnRita]

Baby Names

Mary was pregnant when she was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them.”
The woman thought to herself, "Oh no! Not my brother. He's a clueless idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what's my daughter's name?”
“Denise.” said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise."
Then she asked, “What's the boy's name?”
The doctor replied “Denephew.”

 

[LittlebigP]

I gather everyone has heard of the Ford ST the high performance hot hatch

They announced today that there will be HIGH PERFORMANCE diesel version coming out

They are calling it the Ford STD

 

[Cruisefan]

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure I saw my co - worker do it.
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.

 

[Cruisefan]

Nymphomaniac Convention


A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.


"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"


She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!


Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."


"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"


"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."


Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"


"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

 

[Cruisefan]

There was a bit of confusion at Morrisons
this morning . When I was ready to pay for my
groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down , facing me." Making
a mental note to complain to the manager I did just as the cashier had
instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally
subsided, I found out that she was referring to my
credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the
future!
They need to make their instructions to seniors a
little clearer! not a pretty sight.

 

[Cruisefan]

This should qualify for Uni entrance




Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?


* his last battle


Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?


* at the bottom of the page


Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?


* liquid


Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?


* marriage


Q5. What is the main reason for failure?


* exams


Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?


* Lunch & dinner


Q7. What looks like half an apple?


*The other half


Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?


*It will simply become wet


Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?


*No problem, he sleeps at night.


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?


*You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..




Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have


*Very large hands




Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?




* No time at all, the wall is already built.




Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?


*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.








Have a nice Monday 2nd July 2012

Cruisefan

 

[Binlo]

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes you?

A: If you stick your hand in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

 

[defed]

Mike and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked
as aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport. One day the
airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar
with nothing to do. Mike said, "Jeez, I wish we had
something to drink!". Jim says, "Me as weel. Y'know,
I've heard ye can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. Ye
wannae try it?
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of
high-octane hootch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Mike wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects - Nothing! Then the phone rings...
It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this mornin'?"
Mike says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yerself?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. Do ye have a sair heid?"
Mike says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff - nae
hangover, nothin'. We need tae drink this stuff
insteed o' Smirnoff." "Aye! But there's just one thing..."
"What's that?". "Have you farted yet?" "Naw..."
"Well, DINNAE, 'cause I'm in Dusseldorf

 

[defed]

Two Canadian ships were sailing across the Atlantic, one Canadian ship was carrying red paint, the other Canadian ship was carrying blue paint.
The ships collide and the crews are lost except for one Canadian sailor from each ship. The two sailors are marooned on a life boat.
After three days, the sailors are very thirsty and have nothing to drink.
After another day, a bottle floats along side the life boat, the Canadian sailor opens the bottle and a Genie magically appears.
The Genie says, "I’m a magic Genie, but I’m only giving you one wish because you opened the bottle without rubbing it first"
The first Canadian says, "I wish the ocean blue here was LaBatt Blue beer."
Suddenly the entire ocean is beer.
The second Canadian says, "Oh great, now we have to pee in the boat. eh" :laughalot: :laughalot:

hahahah the joke is great