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Joke of the Day!

Mrslinarcos

Deckhand
You had me going on right up until the last line and that was the hook.
:laughalot: :laughalot: :laughalot: :laughalot: :laughalot:
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Fellow goes into a shoe shop and buys a pair of tortoise-skin shoes.

Took him half hour to get out of the shop!
 

Cruisefan

Deckhand
CAA: Airport screening - Statistics for the Month of April.

after you read the figures this makes more sense: It was also discovered that 5 members of the Cabinet had no Balls!
Airport screening_April Statistics.jpg
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
:laughalot:Cruisefan:)



1 Did you know Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2 Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3 Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4 Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5 Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 

Cruisefan

Deckhand
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked ,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't
Called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'
 

KeithnRita

Deckhand
About Your Collar
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
 

Cruisefan

Deckhand
THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER

Suppose that once a week, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100.



If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this..

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The seventh would pay £7.
The eighth would pay £12.
The ninth would pay £18.
And the tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.



So, that's what they decided to do.





The ten men drank in the bar every week and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until, one day, the owner caused them a little problem.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your weekly beer by £20.”

Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.





The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free but

what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that £20 divided by six is £3.33 but if they subtracted that from everybody's share then not only would the first four men

still be drinking for free but the fifth and sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.



So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fairer to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage. They decided to follow the principle

of the tax system they had been using and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so, the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (a 100% saving).


The sixth man now paid £2 instead of £3 (a 33% saving).


The seventh man now paid £5 instead of £7 (a 28% saving).


The eighth man now paid £9 instead of £12 (a 25% saving).


The ninth man now paid £14 instead of £18 (a 22% saving).


And the tenth man now paid £49 instead of £59 (a 16% saving).


Each of the last six was better off than before with the first four continuing to drink for free.





But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got £1 out of the £20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got £10"



"Yes, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved £1 too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me."



"That's true" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get £10 back, when I only got £2? The wealthy get all the breaks"



"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.





The next week the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came

time to pay the bill, they discovered something important - they didn't have enough money between all of them to pay for even

half of the bill.





And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the

highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and they

just might not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible!!
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
:)Cruisefan:)


A Irish painter by the name of Paddy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Dublin for his paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request and it had Paddy a bit perturbed.
The beautiful lady told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Paddy asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Rose, his missus..
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus. The wife says it's okay.
I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes.. . .."
 

Cruisefan

Deckhand
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London .
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all DA talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all DA business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
 

Cruisefan

Deckhand
Bus Stop Quiz

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once savedyour life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answeris to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!
 

KeithnRita

Deckhand
Worst Pop-Up Ads

You have 4 messages...or do you? Buy our product for $199.99 and find out!

To keep an idiot busy for hours, click here.

If this is flashing, you have a computer!

Click here for instant rectal exam.

Click here to initiate CPU self destruct sequence.

In debt? Buy a gun!

Click here to stop pop up ads!

Meet people in your area! Click here to turn off your computer and go outside.

Click for a free trip to North Dakota!
 

Cruisefan

Deckhand
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

At University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was, great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I'm much older and wiser now, and I'm just looking for a girl with big tits.
 

G.M.T.

Deckhand
I truly did not know this!

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS
, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.







THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU? --


 

G.M.T.

Deckhand
The Irish Diesel Fitter

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.


The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'



GO ON, ADMIT IT.... YOU ARE SMILING.......

'TA BE SURE TA BE SURE'

 
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