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Joke of the Day!

L

lancashire lass

Guest
A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!".
"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"
:dancing_banana:
 

KeithnRita

Deckhand
The definition of 'OLD' is when....Your sweetie says
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
and you answer:
'Pick one, I can't do both!'
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Paddy decides…..
to rob a bank. He got all the gear together – stocking mask, sawn-off shotgun,
getaway car and so on. But he realised his accent would mark him out as Irish,
so he took elocution lessons for almost a year until he could finally pass as an Englishman.
On the day of the robbery he donned his mask, rushed into the bank and said,
“I say there, I’m terribly sorry but this is a robbery.
Be a good chap and fill this sack with lots of lovely lolly.”
The cashier said, “You’re Irish aren’t you?”
Paddy was astonished. “How the divil did ye figure dat out?”, he asked.
The cashier replied, “It was easy, you’ve sawn the wrong end off your shotgun!”:)
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"
[/FONT]
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. :)
 

Cruisefan

Deckhand
ROBOT for sale
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."


Dad says,"What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother........
End of Story
P.S. Robot for sale…
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.:)
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Nurses often have the painful job of giving shots to the children. This was overheard after entering the examining room. A little girl starting screaming “NO! NO! NO!”
“Jessica” her mother scolded, “that is not polite behavior!”
At that the girl continued to scream “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!:)
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Two old ladies were discussing their husbands over tea. “I wish that my Robert would stop biting his nails. It gets me very upset.
“My Calvin used to do the same thing,” the older woman replied. “But I broke him of the habit.”
“How?” the first women asked
“I hid his teeth.”
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Like most women, Sandy loves going shopping, much to her husbands chagrin. “Here take a look at this”, says her husband Tom, shoving the credit card statement in front of her. “You spent $250 at Macy’s, $150 at Nordstrom, $122 at Lord and Taylor, and another $225 at JC Penny. How in the world do you expect me to pay for all of this?” “Well,” answers Sandy, taken aback, “I’ve been accused of many things before, but one thing I am certainly not is inquisitive!” :)
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.:)
:)
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
:)
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
 

Cruisefan

Deckhand
It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!



'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,


'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
 
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