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Joke of the Day!

L

lancashire lass

Guest
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything." :)
 

KeithnRita

Deckhand
Pregnant Wives
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
She looked at the men in the room, and said, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your wife. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments, a man named Wayne at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
A Kerryman was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor.
"You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees."
A month later the Kerryman returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.
"Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?"
"Certainly," replied the Doctor. "Thank Heavens," said the Kerryman, "I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet.":)
 

dizzy1948

Deckhand
Census Hiccup


Can you believe it …. They sent my Census form back!
In response to the question:
"Do you have any dependants?"
I replied:
"2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crack heads; 4.4 million unemployable people,
901 thousand people in over 85 prisons; and 565 idiots in Parliament."


Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer!


Who the hell did I miss ?
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
:biggrinbounce2::biggrinbounce2:Very good Dizzy.




Two Galwaymen went on a holiday to France and stayed at a country farmhouse. They were disgusted to find that everybody in France, even the kids, spoke French.
One morning they were awoken by a cock crowing. "Do you know," said one Galwayman to the other, "That's the first word of English we've heard spoken since we arrived!"
 

dizzy1948

Deckhand
I Like this one - but please...let me know if my jokes are offensive or risque....hope not....this is good - but I wouldn't like to upset anyone

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buyfour drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," saidthe Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you setfoot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsmanwere suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they ask, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his privates

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we." :)
 

G.M.T.

Deckhand
I Like this one - but please...let me know if my jokes are offensive or risque....hope not....this is good - but I wouldn't like to upset anyone
Liz, I believe the correct terminology is Political Correctness:

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Well my DH certainly investigates alternative Destinations. Can't go anywhere {on land }without the aid of his GPS or me.
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Bob and Harry were in a bar. Harry says "Sorry I'm late. I've just returned from a
pleasure trip. "Oh where have you been?" asked Bob. "Just dropped the wife off
at the airport". :)
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it? :)
 

KeithnRita

Deckhand
A Photo of Your Wife
An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening.... to find two sheriff deputy's standing there.
Sir, are you married?" One deputy asked.
"Why yes," the old man replied "for 48 years."
"Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?" the second deputy questioned.
The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him.
"Sir, I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."
The old man says, "I know sir, but she's got a wonderful personality and she's a great cook."
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Emergency doctor visitA woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight." :)
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,
"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was a-thinkin' Brenda... perhaps its aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was a-thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle, Brenda."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, now," he said, "now my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time, Brenda."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, starting to fill with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of this ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
:)
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.



After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad yaw decided to come to Mass. What made yaw come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I di dn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."





&n bsp;















 
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