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Joke of the Day!

KeithnRita

Deckhand
The Blonde's Goldfish
A blonde gets carried away at a pet shop and ends up buying over a hundred goldfish. When she gets home she finds that there are so many of them that the only place she can keep them is in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend over to see all her beautiful goldfish. The friend is impressed and remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?" "Oh, that's not a problem," the blonde replies, brightly, "I blindfold them."
 
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lancashire lass

Guest
A laff for the day.

One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The fisherman accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk.":dancing_banana:
 
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lancashire lass

Guest
My husband has been telling that one for years, got it off my b inlaw.
 

Mrslinarcos

Deckhand
The Blonde's Goldfish
A blonde gets carried away at a pet shop and ends up buying over a hundred goldfish. When she gets home she finds that there are so many of them that the only place she can keep them is in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend over to see all her beautiful goldfish. The friend is impressed and remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?" "Oh, that's not a problem," the blonde replies, brightly, "I blindfold them."
OH STARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:laughalot: :laughalot: :laughalot: :laughalot:
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
A man orders a lobster in a restaurant. The waiter returns with his order, but the crustacean has a broken claw. The man asked what happened. The waiter said, "It must have been in a fight."

"Good," said the man, "now go back to the kitchen and bring me the winner!"

Laughter is contagious.:biggrinbounce2:
 

dizzy1948

Deckhand
Beware a Yorkshire Man

A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each
other on a long flight to Leeds. The lawyer is thinking that
Yorkshiremen are all 'cloth cap and clogs' and that he can fool them
easily...
So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a
fun game. The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the
game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you £500.'
As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep
the lawyer q uiet,
he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth
to the moon?'
The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a
five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he
knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British
Library.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to
no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes
up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman pockets
the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.
The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes
the Yorkshireman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with
three legs and comes down with four?'
The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5
and goes back to sleep.
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
An ensign on sea duty for the first time overheard a recruit say he was going downstairs. “Listen, sailor," he snarled, "Downstairs is below, that side is starboard, that's aft and that's portside. If I ever hear you say one more civilian word like "downstairs" again I'll throw you through that little round window over there!":)
 
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lancashire lass

Guest
The lonely bachelor wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone who falls below his standards. He went on to explain that the candidate should be cute and short, who enjoys water sports, is a team player and who enjoys group activities.

He received an envelope the following week. It it was a picture of a penguin.:laughalot:
 
L

lancashire lass

Guest
Whats your position

The Coast Guard cutter tuned in to a faint distress signal from a sinking pleasure craft. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?" shouted the radio operator into the microphone. Finally a faint reply crackled over the static: "I'm executive vice president of First Global Bank - please hurry!" :)
 
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lancashire lass

Guest
The End Is Near

A local priest and a rabbi were fishing on a bank on the side of a road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, "You think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
 

KeithnRita

Deckhand
There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
 
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lancashire lass

Guest
:)A blonde keeps running back and forth on his driveway checking his mail. One day her confused older neighbor asks her why is she doing that so often and the blonde replies: “I don’t understand what’s going on but my computer keeps telling that I’ve got mail!?” :)
 
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lancashire lass

Guest
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned' :)
 
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