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Joke of the Day!

Ending It All

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
 

JellyBean

Deckhand
> > WOMEN'S A$$ SIZE STUDY
> >>
> >>There is a new study out about women and how they feel about
> >>their a$$es! I thought the results were pretty interesting:
> >>
> >>60% of women think their a$$ is too fat...
> >>
> >>10% of women think their a$$ is too skinny...
> >>
> >>The other 30% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good
> >>man, and
> >>they wouldn't trade him in for anything in the world.
 

Ally

Deckhand
Dear Heavenly Father,

I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!
 

alphakitty

Deckhand
An old codger goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the poor old bloke is hard of hearing.

After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "Right, I'll need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, "What did the Doctor say?"

The wife replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear."
 

Ally

Deckhand
Italians and Jews in Rome ...

Several centuries ago, as Easter was quickly approaching, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.

Next ... The Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten.
That Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue.

Meanwhile .. The Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe.

"How did You win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moshe.
"First he said to me that we had three days to Get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger!

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows? " said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
 

alphakitty

Deckhand
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
 

Ally

Deckhand
Naughty, yes, I know, but I couldn't resist it...sorry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS
 

alphakitty

Deckhand
LOLOL Ally! That's funny:laughalot:



A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a Brand

New Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world,

And it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on

a Moped, looking about zillion years old, pulls up next him. The

Old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,
Sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car

All right ... But I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old
Man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds,
The speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
Getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much

Faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?"

The doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the

Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's

The old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more

Gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the
Old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal

And takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds

Later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari

Is flat out, and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing
The rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the
Old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says,
"Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
 

Ally

Deckhand
Two-line rhymes

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pi$$ed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
 

alphakitty

Deckhand
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.
 

alphakitty

Deckhand
"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:

"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
 

alphakitty

Deckhand
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.

"You lawyers are so materialistic it's amazing!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.

"Where's my Rolex???"
 
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