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Joke of the Day!

The new CEO


A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a
wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant
business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,
"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I
make
$300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's
four
weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room
and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's."
 

JellyBean

Deckhand
What do you get when you play a COUNTRY SONG backwards?



You get your house back, tractor back, wife back, and dog back!

:roflmao:
 

Ally

Deckhand
Sighting from a Cruise Ship

The passengers on a cruise ship were fascinated by the sight of a bedraggled, bearded man on a small island. The ship passed slowly by as he desparately shouted and waved his arms.

"Who is that person on the island?" one of the passengers asked a ship's officer...

"I have no idea," mused the officer "but every year when we pass that island he goes crazy."
 

Ally

Deckhand
Occasionally, airline attendants attempt to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.....unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
 

Ally

Deckhand
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

And last, but not least, one of our personal experiences: On an otherwise uneventful flight from New York to Chicago, the plane was rolling smoothly to the terminal. As always happens, one person clicked his seat belt open, and started a chain reaction of other passengers doing the same thing. Sure enough, the intercom clicked on, and we prepared ourselves for the inevitable standard warning to stay in our seats with our belts fastened until the aircraft was safely at a complete stop. Instead, the flight attendant, as if speaking to a two year old said in a sing-song voice: "No, no, no-oh!" People were still chuckling when they left the plane.
 

Ally

Deckhand
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat,"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table,"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
 

Ally

Deckhand
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in ATLANTA. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says,"I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
 

Ally

Deckhand
Observations...

I finally figured out what 'Delta' stands for:

Don't Expect Legroom on This Airline.
 

Ally

Deckhand
While sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight."

After a short pause, the offer was loudly accepted by someone in the cockpit.
 

Ally

Deckhand
You Know It's a "No Frills" Airline When...

They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
 

Ally

Deckhand
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane moves down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardess for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborn.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
 

Ally

Deckhand
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Dead silence followed.

After a few minutes, the pilot came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. But, while I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled the coffee all over my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach shouted back, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
 

alphakitty

Deckhand
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID IS SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS COMPUTER

10. Named his hamsters "I" "B" "M"

9. Every day after school, eats his weight in silicon chips 'n' salsa

8. He somehow uses morphing technology to make your cat look just like David Duchovny

7. He's been in bed all week with a computer virus

6. Refers to having sex as "Logging On"

5. His name: Carl. His Nickname: "Carpal Tunnel Carl"

4. During power outage, paced around house like a caffeinated squirrel

3. He calls you "WWW.DADDY.COM"

2. Walls of his room covered with printouts of a naked Bill Gates

1. 2 Words: "Cyber Acne"
 

BoHunk

Deckhand
Breasts in a Chat Room
How to Describe Your Breasts in a Chat Room

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^^)( ^^) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

< o>< o> electric shock breasts

|o||o| android breasts

(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)
 
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