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Joke of the Day!

Ocean Angel

Deckhand
Happy Drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
 

Ocean Angel

Deckhand
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly in trouble. "Is there snything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
 

Ally

Deckhand
6 weeks 6 month 6 year


Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.

:)
 

alphakitty

Deckhand
Some Canadian humor. :) I didn't know Santa was a Canadian.

WHAT IS A CANUCK?-ETC.

"Johnny Canuck" was a popular moniker that was used to describe Canadian soldiers in WWII. Although some believe it was a putdown, legend has it that Johnny Canuck was taken from a Canadian folk hero, A great logger who was a skater and a hockey player in his spare time.

Ca' nuck (Ke' nuk') n. Slang ACanadian, especiallya French Canadian.

What is Canada?
The top half of North America.

How big is Canada?
Bigger than the United States (approx. 9 970 610 km2).

What is a Canadian?
Someone who lives in Canada. (not American)

What is a Canuck?
Someone who lives in Canada. (not American)

Does Santa Claus live in Canada?
Yes. The North Pole lies within the boundry of Canada. Technically, he is Canadian.

Can you keep beavers as pets in Canada?
If you really, really wanted...

Who is Canada's president?
We don't have a president, we have a PRIME MINISTER.

Do Canadians drive ski-doos?
Yes, when there's snow on the ground.

What do Canadians DO up there?
Shovel driveways, play hockey.

Does it snow all year in Canada?
Only when it's cold.

What are "Newfies"?
These are a mythical tribe of people from "Newfoundland". They feed on cod. .

What language do Canadians speak?
Canadian: French-Canadian or English-Canadian. Either way you will find a distinctive "a" sound involved in prononciation.

Is Canada clean?
Yes.

Why do Canadians say "eh", eh?
That way they can they appear to speak both French and English.

Do Canadians live in igloos?
NO! (not all of us...)

Why are Canadian mosquitoes so big?
We demand only the best. It takes fewer mosquitoes to make a fur coat if they're larger.

Does Canada have summer?
In the the southern regions there exists a "humid season" and the snow melts for four months.

Do they turn off Niagara Falls at night?
Only if there's a hydro outage.

Can I walk to Vancouver after dinner in Ottawa, or do I have to take a bus?
I suggest a major airline.

Can women really go topless in Canada?
Yes, in Ontario they can. We expect your tourist dollars this summer!

What is Tim Horton's?
The temple in which we worship a hockey player who loved donuts.
 

Chucksta63

Deckhand
YOU JUST HAVE TO LOVE THE IRISH!

With a couple about to celebrating their 50th anniversary at the
Ol' Shamrock Inn, the Bartender asked the husband, Clancy, to take a minute and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.

The husband, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

"Trips to where," asked the Bartender?

"Well, for our 5th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The Bartender then said, "What a terrific example you are to all
husbands. Please tell us what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
 

alphakitty

Deckhand
Am I missing the punch line? LOL

Hmmm...DH doesn't post here, but if he did he'd say we'll be really lucky to be alive on our 50th. We were married in 2004, We were both 47.
 

Chucksta63

Deckhand
Am I missing the punch line? LOL

Hmmm...DH doesn't post here, but if he did he'd say we'll be really lucky to be alive on our 50th. We were married in 2004, We were both 47.
Opps oh yea I though I got it all....lol
HE is going to go get her.....lol
 
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